You knew this was coming.
Saying I don’t know much about sports is like saying Clay doesn’t know much about how to dress himself: understatement of the century. (Clay wore Adidas flip-flops until 2004. So him being in favor of A&M to the SEC is the fashion equivalent of Adidas flip-flops in 2004).
So when a sports story comes along where I recognize not one but several keywords (i.e. “football!” “SEC!” “Aggies!”) naturally I feel compelled to capitalize on it. To take it and just run with it. Kind of like how Peyton Manning takes the football and runs with it, all the way down the 50 yard line. (See how I incorporated that sports analogy there? I’ll be doing this more along the way, in order to help you better understand the context of my columns. In order to drive the point home. Kind of like how Tiger Woods drives the ball home, all the way to the hole. Is this helping? Let me know.)
You knew this was coming.
Peyton Manning has never run fifty yards on a field in his life. Hayley does not know this. So her sports analogies need some work.
Also, you had to know this was coming because I am a Baylor Bear. We Baylor Bears don’t have much to cling to when it comes to football, but that doesn’t stop us from hating the Aggies with the vigor and fervor of a thousand fiery bonfires. When our football team played A&M’s football team while I was in college, our entire school had T-shirts made specifically for that game (because, let’s be real here, if there isn’t a T-shirt for it, it didn’t really happen).
If you’ve been following all the exposure on this issue from OKTC, then you don’t need me to tell you what’s been going on here. (That’s code for “I have no freaking idea what’s been going on here.” All I care about is someone pissing off the inhabitants of Aggieland, and I’m pretty sure that just happened. So if you’re one of those needy types and demand more detail than this, please kindly redirect yourself to our coverage here.)
When the story first broke, without even knowing all of the details, I immediately began to convey my outrage to anyone within three to five feet of me. Comments like “WHAT???” and “Not on MY watch!” and, most frequently, “Aw, HELLS NO” were not uncommon in my daily vernacular. I wasn’t sure of the specifics, but I already knew all I needed to know: the Texas Aggies were trying to infringe on something near and dear to me, and I wasn’t having it.
A lot of you reading this have never had the privilege of living in Big 12 territory, so you may not realize how imperative it is to hate A&M.
That’s why I have compiled this list of reasons why Texas A&M should never, ever be allowed into the SEC. Just think of me as your Big 12 ambassador, finding out these things the hard way first, so you don’t have to:
1. Texas A&M will decrease our fashion cred to negative percentiles.
Look, we already have enough issues down here, aesthetically speaking. If you need further proof of this, please click here.
I have graciously turned a blind eye to many an outfit since living in SEC territory, but I fear that a bunch of Aggies running around town on game day will absolutely push me to my limit. Tennessee has its sartorial problems, but up until this point, I can’t say that this trend is one of them:
(Don’t go getting any ideas now, you Vols enthusiasts.)
During my on-campus visit to A&M when I was 18 (yes, I blacked out for a minute and willingly consented to this—I don’t want to talk about it), all I could focus on was the abundance of overalls, mud-crusted work boots and pajama pants surrounding me that day. I physically shuddered at the scene around me and immediately went home and read the latest issue of Vogue to cleanse my retinas and detoxify my thoughts.
2. Aggies are arrogant.
This one is risky, because I have a lot of friends who are Aggies. But guys, COME ON, you did not invent football, beer pong, or college in general—so why do you act like you did?
Aggies have the most bombastic, over-inflated sense of self, and for no real good reason. Might I point out that Baylor has beaten A&M both in football and in basketball? We are good at stuff too, guys. We just have a little humility about it.
3. Green clashes with most other SEC colors.
And by this I mean that A&M is green with envy over all things UT (read: the University of Texas, the real UT. Sorry, Guy Who Is Going To Get Mad About That Statement.)
A&M hates, HATES, UT, and it is out of sheer and utter jealousy. They promote violence with their “Saw ‘Em Off” horns T-shirts, and they promote illogical grammar usage with their confusing “TU” chants. Not a very good example for the kids, eh? THINK OF THE KIDS, AGGIES.
The entire university is fueled by the hatred of one school, and it’s only because UT is better than A&M at everything. (I can say this, I’m objective. i went to Baylor. We are better than Sam Houston State at everything. Suck it, SHSU!)
I’m all for a healthy dose of rivalry, but the Aggies have taken things miles past the point of that. Exhibit A: their school fight song, which is wholly dedicated to hating UT:
“Goodbye to Texas University,
So long to the orange and white,
Etc, etc, etc!”
So, you do all realize that if any of us in the SEC beats A&M in anything, we all run the risk of having them make up a ridiculous song about us, right? This is just obnoxious, but furthermore, I think we can all agree that 2Pac and Notorious B.I.G. showed us this is not the way to go about solving things.
Anyway, here is the rest of the song, in case you want to see what bitterness and spite look like in lyrical form: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aggie_War_Hymn
4. A&M has invented something to rival the omnipotent COWBELL.
And that something, my friends, is the “WHOOP,” or as I like to call it, the Devil’s cat-call.
I first experienced the “WHOOP” during my on-campus visit. I was walking along the sidewalk, minding my own business, silently judging everyone around me, when all of a sudden my eardrums were accosted by a boisterous, deafening “WHOOOOP!”
I spun around to eye the culprit, thinking this was the result of either a fifth of Jack or an epileptic seizure … but no. Nothing out of the ordinary was to blame for this man’s outburst. Nothing, other than the fact that THIS IS WHAT AGGIES DO ON A CONSISTENT, HOURLY BASIS. There is even a hand motion for it! Leave it to an Aggie to produce a sound that makes even rational, non-violent people want to sucker-punch a midget.
This territory ain’t big enough for the both of you, Cowbells and Whoops. And, sadly, cowbells are here to stay.
5. Aggies are greedy.
Some of you observant types might have noticed I’ve been referring to the SEC as “my territory,” and in a very benevolent tone at that. No, these are not typos, and yes, I am (kind of) sober right now.
I know, I KNOW, I’ve given you all hell over the past two years—suck it up, Nancies. You can’t really blame me, I just wasn’t quite sure I was ready to claim you guys as my own. It takes me a full twenty-five minutes to decide which shoes I’m going to wear out at night—how on earth do you expect me to make such monumental decisions like football team loyalty?
After all, y’all do crazy things like have day-long tailgates and let wild eagles fly arbitrarily throughout your stadiums. And I was just hesitant to commit to a group of people who thought it was normal to chant strange things like, “Woo Pig Sooie” and “Hotty Toddy.”
But after finding out that A&M wanted in on the action, THE SEC WAS MINE, ALL MINE. Rest assured, my fellow SEC patrons, I am now a steadfast, diehard, bona fide SEC member. (Do I get a pin or a badge for this?)
That’s right, there’s no getting rid of me now, guys! I’m here to stay.
You know who isn’t here to stay?
The Aggies will leave if someone offers them $2 more a year. That’s what happens when you’re laced with insecurity. The Aggies are like a hot sorority slut, she’s too attractive to be sleeping with everyone, but too insecure to say know to anyone who’s interested in her.
6. This is getting awkward.
Let’s call this what it is, shall we?
A&M wants to quit the Big 12 for the SEC. The SEC may want them. In the meantime the Big 12 is just awkwardly hanging out with A&M. This is when you say, “Big gulps, eh? … Welp, see ya later!” and try to move on.
This is like that awkward moment when you say “bye” to someone, and then you both continue walking the long corridor to the door together in uncomfortable silence. Or like if, immediately after OJ Simpson “didn’t” murder that lady, he drove over to her family’s house and asked what they were having for dinner and if he could join. Or like that moment when you look down and you realize you aren’t wearing pants and you—wait, different blog post. Never mind.
7. Texas A&M doesn’t have cheerleaders.
In the SEC you specialize in hot girls. In the Big 12 A&M specializes in male cheerleaders.